"Who's That?" Part 2

She didn't know who was in a series of photos of Jeri and then said "I wouldn't recognize her if I met her on the street because I haven't seen her for so long."  But she also told me that "you talk about Brianna and Lacie and I don't have a clue who they are" and then after I reminded her they were her great grandchildren and that their pictures were in front of her, I asked if she remembered who there father is and she asked "Walt?"

She also doesn't remember that Niecie had been there to give her a manicure and was kind of vague about who Niecie is exactly.  

Effervescent

We went to a memorial service for my friend Nancy, who used to live at Atria, today.  In her brief time at Atria, my mother once called her her "best friend," though she didn't realize that she lived just 2 doors from her own apartment, and never knew her name.  She died a couple of months ago, in an Alzheimers facility in Sacramento, at age 90.  As I sat there watching a slide show and listening to everyone's memories, I was left with a profound sense of sadness.

"Effervescent" was the word that many people used to describe Nancy.  And it fits her to a "t".  I don't think I have seen a picture of her when she wasn't smiling a broad smile or laughing with whoever she was with.  She's had her share of sadness, including a failed marriage and the death of an adult child, but she has taken it all, including her worsening mental problems, with grace, humor and laughter.  

She had many hobbies and activities, loved to interact with people.

I would like to be able to say any one of those things about the woman who looks like my mother, but who sits in a chair day after day looking at leaves. We will soon go through the months where she complains that the trees are bare.  She has brief flashes of interest if someone comes to visit, but it's all new for the visitor and they don't see her nearly every day the way I do.

I would like a smile, a joke, a laugh, an interest in ANYTHING outside the damn leaves and whether the wind is moving them or not.

Effervescent she is definitely not.

"Who's That?"

I brought her a photo of Peach and Bob today.  She said the man looked familiar.  I told her that the photo was of Peach and Bob, but she didn't hear me say "Peach" because she looked at the photo and said that yes, she recommended Bob.  "Who's that with him?  His wife?"  When I told her it was Peach, she couldn't believe how old she had gotten.

Covering up

She is wonderful at covering up her dementia. My cousin Kathy's daughter Karen had a nice visit with my mother yesterday and wrote this on Facebook:

Such a fun visit! She kept telling me she was 100 years old and I kept telling her we needed to call Willard Scott and get her face on a jelly jar--belly laughs all around. Love Aunt Chubbie!!

I'm delighted that they had a good visit and that Karen came away feeling so good about it, but today my mother has no memory of the visit, does not know who Karen is, doesn't remember who Kathy is, and has never seen The Today Show or Willard Scott in her life, even before the dementia.

(She did, however, when prodded, remember Cousins Day)

But she has all sorts of tricks to cover and to make people think (a) she knows them, and (b) she is following what they are talking to her about.  I know there are people in the family who get angry with me for talking about her dementia because it's perfectly clear to them that she's not nearly as bad as I make her out to be.  I invite them to spend a month with her!  Or even a few days!

I've watched her have a lovely conversation with people on the phone and when she hangs up and I ask her who it was, she has no idea, but she can hold up her end of the conversation and from listening to my end of the chat, I'm sure nobody has a clue she doesn't know who she is talking to.

I made the mistake of trying to make a joke today.  She was saying how frustrating it is not to remember stuff, and not to remember people.  I asked her if she still remembers her family. She is forgetting what her siblings looked like and she says she can't remember a lot about her father but thinks she will always remember her mother (whom she sees in her dreams most nights).

She then asked if I ever forget people like that.  I said that yes, I sometimes forget who my mother is.  She did not get the joke at all, but sadly remembered that my aunt Marge was my mother.  When I  told her I was joking and that she was my mother, she then remembered that she is, but didn't understand that I was joking.

But I am thrilled that Karen visited her and have no doubt that at the time, though my mother had no idea who she was, that she enjoyed the visit.  I won't let Karen know that she doesn't remember her or the visit.  So few people visit her and I hate to harp on it, begging them to come.

TV Party

We went to Atria tonight to watch CSI with my mother.  She used to be a huge fan of the show but stopped watching when William Peterson (Grissom) left.  However, when I found out he was returning for the finale, I thought she might enjoy it but knew she'd never watch it by herself, so Walt and I went to watch it with her.

Ultimately I think she enjoyed it, though after I turned it on, she asked if I wanted to turn it off so we could visit (NO!!!!!).  When Walt arrived, she asked him if he was Walt.  And at every commercial break, she asked me if the show would be continued next week and I would tell her that no, this was the finale.  It was good to have Walt there because he got a taste of what I go through every time I visit.  But she kinda sorta followed the story once she got into it and even cried, with me, at the emotional ending, so I think it was good that we did that.  I'll have to keep my eyes out for things on TV that I think she might like and have more TV parties.  We get to have quality visits and we don't have to just sit there and stare at each other!

Fire

There are horrific fires burning all over California.  Whole towns have burned.  My mother, sitting with blaring headlines at her elbow, knew nothing about it, but "those things happen, I guess"

There is nothing I can discuss with her because she absorbs nothing.  She has lost the ability to be upset by anything that has nothing to do with her appearance.

Old Age

I am SO TIRED of talking about how old she is, how she doesnt want to be old, how she wants to live to 100, how she hates the age changes she sees in her body.  Since she has NO INTERESTS whatsoever, this is ALL we talk about...this and whether it is hot outside.  (and what exciting thing I'm going to be doing)

How I wish she had the feistiness of this woman.  I would welcome her doing something outrageous even if only once.